Sun. Nov.8, 2015

Well...I have been sick since last week with a uti. It didn't really bother me until Friday. I took some antibiotics and pain reliever and my sweet mother brought over some medicine. Thank God for mamas! Even if you are a grown woman of 40.

Lately I have been so depressed. Its like I can't get over the fact that I am getting divorced. I mean, 20 years is a long time to be together.

I have thought About being dead So many times. I just think...maybe I will fall asleep and wake up dead. Just maybe. My family loves me...but no one is living in my head. No one feels the way I feel. I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to try. I'm tired of thinking. 

Just a Fabulous Friday

I'm lying. Today is not fabulous. I am looking for a job...all stressed out because my daughter wrecked the car and we are waiting to hear back from insurance. 🚗 So, now she is walking to work...which isn't far. And walking home or getting rides.

My poor girl. I feel like we failed her as parents. I know that a lot of teens chose to take the hard road after graduating. My daughter was so intelligent in high school and I was surprised when she said that she needed to take a year off to work. Shocked!! I really thought that she would be the one to go straight into college and earn a great degree. She says that she wants to go this upcoming fall (2016).

I'm starting LVN classes in January...I hope. That's if they accept me. So...basically we will be struggling until I get a real job.

So...I'm a 40 year old "girl/woman" who is definitely not ready to grow up. I'm not immature in my thinking, or even actions. I just DON'T want to grow up. And my biggest thrill is when people accuse me of being my 20 year old daughter's sister. 😋 Yes, it puts a smug smile on my face. All the years of sunscreen has worked. Hell-fucking-yeah bitch!! Like who knew that i would be 40 with a face like this?? Maybe I would have taken a little better care of my body when I was younger. Lol mainly I would have exercised more after having my kids. It just felt like such a busy and exhausting time to raise kids...who had time for exercise? I barely had time to cook and clean.

I have to admit right now...I have a hell of a lot to get off my chest. I'm ready to fully unload my thought burdens on this blog and go back to my first love of the internet...blogging.

Shit! I fell asleep earlier, around 7 pm. I didn't intend on it happening...it just did! My body does things that I don't want it to do. My sleep and wake style being the main thing. Well that and not losing weight. Shit! Makes me so mad to think I could be sleeping right now. Makes me wonder (from the way I was raised) if I need to pray and give my burdens to God. Am I up because of my burdens? Do I even feel like I have burdens right now? Kinda....NOT. so fuck you thought bubble.

Did what I just write even make sense? Screw it...I actually feel a little tired now. I'm going to forget my ex...forget trying to get into nursing school...forget all the potential guys I could date...and go back to sleep. I'm glad I started this blog. Yes...my midnight snack without the calories.

More later